Psychological Spelunkers! Graham here.

So I made a new thing, with the ABC. A standalone podcast episode, which I think is pretty awesome.  

A couple of months back, a reporter got in touch after reading one of my articles. This one, specifically: What to do when you’ve ruined your life - the story of how at age 23 I lost my grip on reality after one bad drug trip.

It was one of those random calls I get every now and then from media people. 

“Hi there, so you know that deeply personal thing you wrote a few years back and probably forgot was still out there? Would you like to talk about that to a national audience?”

“Um, yyyyes...? I think…?”

This reporter, Elizabeth, she seemed to really get what I was writing about. She felt like we could make that little article into a meaningful podcast episode about some of the not-so-often-plumbed depths of the big feels experience.

A tender story

I was hesitant. That strange time at age 23 wasn’t my first ‘mental health experience’ by any means, but it was the first one that made me convinced I’d fried my brain completely and would never be happy again.

It’s somehow both my big feels origin story, and also something I’m still processing, fifteen years later. Putting that story in the hands of someone else felt risky. 

But on the other hand, I’ve loved working with the ABC before to tell exactly these kinds of stories. 

Plus, here’s the funny thing. (Or, not so funny thing, really.)

That article is the number one way people find the Big Feels Club website. By searching some variation on ‘I have ruined my life’. 

In fact, I’d say it’s almost a rite of passage for sensitive cats? One way or another, we reach a point in our lives where we’re convinced, in our bones, that we’ve screwed everything up beyond repair. That we’re a total lost cause.

I said yes to the ABC because, as tender as that story still feels for me, I’ll take any chance I can get to let other big feelers know what I’ve found out, all these years later. 

That you can ruin your life completely, and still be okay.

Listen now

The show is called ‘Days Like These’, and the episode we made is called ‘A Crack In Reality’. 

It’s got illicit drugs, and mind-bending sound FX-laden trippiness. You know, all the good stuff. But I will add, if you've got your own experiences of losing touch with reality, and those experiences are still a little raw, then it might push some buttons. You'll know best whether those are buttons you want to push today or not.

I’m really proud of it. And I’d love to know what you think.

Listen here on Apple Podcasts. 

Listen here on the ABC website. 

Or search ‘Days Like These’ in your podcast player.

Or listen right here! How about that!

Reaching back through the years

I got a tear in my eye when I listened to it myself.

I was thinking about how that lonely, bewildered, and utterly overwhelmed 23 year old would feel hearing it all now. Hearing how I’ve made sense of what he couldn’t find any sense in. And hearing how I’ve made peace with the bits that still don’t make sense. 

Listening through this morning, it felt a little like reaching back through the years, holding him, just when he needed it. 

I also felt grateful, for how that little 23 year old kept going, day by difficult day, when he had no way of knowing where it would all lead.

We go through a lot, you know? 

As one Big Feels Clubber said to me just yesterday, “life is hard, feelings are hard, thoughts are hard! Sometimes we just need someone to pat our heads and say ‘it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.’”

God yes. 

And sometimes that someone is ourselves. The older, wiser you, who maybe doesn’t even know for sure what you’ve learned or how you’ve grown, but who can nevertheless look back and see, at the very least, you’ve made it this far. You've kept going.

Someway, somehow eh.

Tell me what you think of the podcast?

If you listen to the podcast, hit reply and let me know what you think? I’d love to know how it lands for you.

For more on the subject of losing your grip on reality, check out this piece I wrote about altered states.